What Would Jesus Tweet?
I think I am a responsible Twit. I try to only tweet relevant information. I do not waste people’s time with nonsense. I don’t spam and if what I have to say is only relevant to one person I send it in a direct message. I also have the option selected to receive an email whenever I have a new follower. I like to send a “thanks for following me” message to new followers and the email helps ensure no one falls through the cracks.
I was a bit surprised the other day when I learned that I had a new follower of unimaginable renown. I was humbled that someone close to the hearts of two-billion people is now following little ole me.
G-d is everywhere but Jesus is following me. What is it that I may have tweeted that was so profound to have merited such an auspicious follower? But when I checked out JC’s profile I was shocked. I had more followers than Jesus…by a long shot. How could this be? Sure, I can be pretty charming at times. In rare moments of brilliance I can even be charismatic. But I have never cured the sick, helped the blind to see or walked on water. I have certainly never risen from the dead but thankfully I have never needed to try. I did once learn a neat trick where I could pour milk into a newspaper cone and make it disappear. But the milk and newspaper trick is pretty lame compared to turning water into wine. So how could it be that my following was larger and why would Jesus be following me?
Now in all fairness I should point out that Jesus has edged past me in followers in the time since he began following my tweets. But his numbers seem far too low. According to ask.com there are 2.1 billion Christians worldwide and after all, it’s Jesus for tweetssake. It seems to me that Jesus would easily have far more than the roughly seven hundred followers he has today on Twitter.
There must be countless Christian Soldiers that he could call upon to retweet his word. But I have never seen him recommended on FollowFriday. What about the Gideons? I have never stayed in a hotel room that was not previously visited by a bible-leaving Gideon. There must be a zillion of those guys to have achieved such thorough penetration. Jesus would be at the top of the charts if the Gideons just took one day off from their bible distribution duties and helped the boss improve his numbers.
But what if this is some sort of a sign? I became nervous that this was some pre-apocalyptic harbinger of destruction. Maybe this is the Web 2.0 version of a guy in Times Square wearing a sandwich board that reads “The End is Near, Repent!”
OMG (sorry Jesus), Ashton Kutcher has over seven hundred ten thousand followers! Kelso is at the top of the heap and Jesus is barely a footnote. How could it be that the Prince of Punk’d has one thousand times more followers than the Prince of Peace? Surely this is at least a riding crop for one of the Four Horsemen.
But it gets worse. American Idol impresario and men’s hair products connoisseur Ryan Seacrest has more than four hundred thousand followers. Miley Cyrus, who I have long suspected to be the antichrist, has topped one hundred thirty-five thousand followers.
Jesus was probably a weak rebounder and not much of a threat in the paint. But Shaq is dominating the virtual boards with well over a half-million followers. Wonder drummer Travis Barker appears to be at the back of this pack but still has more than fifty-four thousand followers. But then again, Jesus was never known to have had a smoking-hot wife (sorry again Jesus).
From the wide-angle view, the chart does not seem to be trending well for our web-enabled society. It never seems to be particularly pleasant when “The Man Upstairs” is displeased. All of those plagues in Exodus seem to be pretty nasty business. Pillars of salt also come to mind and I shouldn’t forget that brimstone makes me gassy. Perhaps a bit of biblical research was in order to make some sense of all this and see if any of this is foretold in scripture.
King Hezekiah was sent word through Isaiah that if he set his house in order G-d would add 15 years to his life. But while he was sick, before this deliverance came, what sayeth Hezekiah in Isaiah 38:14?
“Like a swallow, [like] a crane, so I twitter; I moan like a dove; my eyes look wistfully to the heights; O Lord, I am oppressed, be my security.”
Twitter, right there in the Bible! But what about some of the other popular Web 2.0 manifestations? Apparently many of our online activities were not only foretold but it would appear that the scripture is something of a users manual.
Jeremiah 20:11 reveals StumbleUpon as something of a competitive advantage and suggests that improper utilization brings spells failure.
“But the Lord is with me like a mighty warrior; so my persecutors will stumble and not prevail. They will fail and be thoroughly disgraced; their dishonor will never be forgotten.”
And the Prophet tells us again in Jeremiah 46:16;
“They will stumble repeatedly; they will fall over each other. They will say, ‘Get up, let us go back to our own people and our native lands, away from the sword of the oppressor’.”
The future appears to be a bit darker for those who Digg. Amos might have mellowed out a bit once Andy came around but in his Bible contribution days, he sees in Amos 9:2 that Digg as an elevator with only a down button.
“Though they dig[g] into hell, from there my hand shall take them; Though they climb up to heaven, From there I will bring them down.“
There are a few positive mentions of today’s web that are bright spots in the Bible. RSS is not only lauded but encouraged in Proverbs; “The lips of the righteous feed many, But fools die for lack of wisdom” (Proverbs 10:21). Perhaps it is no surprise that sharing applications have biblical approbation; “And do not neglect doing good and sharing, for with such sacrifices G-d is pleased,” (Hebrews 13:16).
It is unfortunate, however, that the record industry has taken it upon itself the re-write the word and re-define wrongdoing. The message in Luke 6:49 for The Pirate Bay and its contemporaries is to take heart because the torrent will win in the end.
“But the one who has heard and has not acted accordingly, is like a man who built a house on the ground without any foundation; and the torrent burst against it and immediately it collapsed, and the ruin of that house was great.”
How do you like me now RIAA?
But I found the Bible to be filled with sound advice on being a responsible twit. In Exodus 4:13 we are reminded that sending information is more important than the sender; “But he said, ‘Please, Lord, now send [the message] by whomever You will’,” But in Nehemiah 6:8 we are cautioned against tweeting false information; “Then I sent [a message] to him saying, ‘Such things as you are saying have not been done, but you are inventing them in your own mind’,” And most importantly we should exercise caution when vetting followers and those who retweet us; “He cuts off [his own] feet [and] drinks violence who sends a message by the hand of a fool,” Proverbs 26:6.
All of this Bible study was very satisfying to my soul and clearing for my cache but I remained troubled, verily. Then I came across Psalm 23, verse 6; “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.”
Wait, surely, goodness and mercy?
I looked back over Jesus’ followers I found many colorful and interesting profiles including The5thApe, BBQMaven, JackAssLetters and tweetOlicious. But I did not find Surely, Goodness or Mercy. And hold on a second, didn’t Jesus have a posse of a dozen guys? Unless JackAssLetters is Matthew and unless Luke favors tweetOlicious as his screen name perhaps I had been deceived. Oh Jesus, fool me once.
“As a result we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming,” Ephesians 4:14.
I was a bit disappointed but relieved as I came around to the realization that perhaps Jesus was not in fact among my followers. I did start to feel better about the future of mankind and our imminent destruction. This was all an appropriate parable for any member of an online community, social media user or online marketer.
Twitter is an emerging medium. Over time it will refine and find its equilibrium. Back in the mid to late 1990s anyone with a few bucks and the URL for InterNIC could register any domain they wanted. Although I’m still kicking myself for not snapping up a few when I had the chance, companies were able to sue the courts to get their property or trademarked names returned. Twitter is still a place where anyone can be whoever they want to be. There are numerous Twitter fakers online today in addition to Jesus. Well known people with fake profiles include Borat, Bill Clinton, William Shatner, Bernie Madoff, David Hasselhoff and even Abe Vigoda who has been dead for 26 years. But companies and celebrities are dealing with these in much the same way they handled cybersquatters 15 years ago.
Protection of the identities of anonymous bloggers has been upheld in several state supreme courts. Additional laws and regulation are coming for the use of all social media. New Jersey and West Virginia are considering a crack-down on tough or threatening talk used online. New Jersey is also considering requiring sites such as Facebook and MySpace to police their sites for offensive posts or be at risk of consumer fraud lawsuits. Tweets on Twitter and posts on Craigslist have led to defamation suits. These are the inevitable growing pains any nascent community with explosive growth.
Twitter, however, is truly an amazing tool for communication and real-time search. But marketing experience is still necessary to successfully qualify an audience, understand consumer behavior, track targeted behavior and segment a market. I know that Jesus is not a marketing guy because he failed to use the tools at his disposal to find his target demographic. Had he used some of the emerging tools and applied some traditional marketing expertise he may have learned that I’m Jewish.
Maturation will come and the ability for people to share information will only increase with this maturity. Twitter will continue to grow and will soon find a path to revenue. When Twitter is answering to customers as well as users things will change. But these changes will usher in ways to become more effective in audience reach, targeting and communication because it will be profitable. I look forward to representatives of any religion or viewpoint wanting to hear what I have to say as I want to hear from them. Without these experiments we lose the social part of social media and the free marketplace of ideas.
And Jesus, if you still need some help refining your online campaign have your girl give me a call.
And together we say, “Amen.”
Opinion of Coach Cal
Follow this link to state your feelings and leave your thoughts.
Sometimes You Just Don’t Know the Answers
The most powerful advertising images are those that comunicate perfectly without requiring any ad copy. I receive so much funny stuff from my friends on a daily basis. But this was not only funny but the pictures speak for themselves. I will shut up now. The full list can also be found here http://tinyurl.com/d5lfea . Enjoy!
Holy Crap! Chemistry Test???
Physics, I thought this was Cartooning 101.
I'm with ya...everyone hates word problems.
A budding conspiracy theorist
Sometimes there is no partial credit for showing your work
Ask a simple question...
I would have guessed Covalent, his less famous brother.
A promising career as an elevator operator. Please, not aviation.
Right answer, wrong question.
No comment necessary
Dr. Tweet or: How I Learned to Stop Whining and Love Web 2.0
I have been using the Internet longer than you. You can’t argue with me about this, it’s a fact. Well maybe you can if you work for DARPA.
There have been so many trends, gizmos, fads and various forms of online tom-foolery that one would be challenged to follow them all. The average person could seriously waste, oops, invest their entire day blogging, tweeting, poking, IMing, DIGGing, Blipping and Google-ing their way to quitting time. Hold on one minute, I have to search for a Yngwie Malmsteen torrent before my boss comes back. BRB.
Okay, back on my soapbox. I do not have a MySpace or Facebook page. Yes, it is true and as stunning as this might be, I can report that life as I know it has not ended and I have not spontaneously combusted. I realize that this seems like a minor thing but think about it for a second. I’ll bet that you have either Facebook or MySpace. Maybe you have both. Do you know many people, any people, which can both use a computer and make such a statement? In fact, I am not only a “tech guy” but an early-adopter as well. I am such an early adopter of technology and online whatsits that way back when, my AOL screen name was actually my first name…without numbers.
But I made a decision and I was going to stick to my guns, no Facebook or MySpace for me. Although there has been no sudden bleeding, anal leakage, hair loss or an erection that lasted for more than four hours (*sigh) this decision has not been entirely painless. I can’t count the number of times I was successfully chatting-up an attractive, albeit quasi intoxicated, woman in one of my favorite watering holes only to go down in flames when she pops the question. “So, what’s your MySpace page?”
Whatever happened to phone numbers? Why is my email address, of which I have a couple, not good enough? I didn’t realize that our society went through some bizarre transformation in which utilization of MySpace is an essential pre-coital qualification. Rather than give in I rebelled and became more firm in my resolve. After all, I do use LinkedIn but that is a business tool instead of a toy. Right?
I am proud to announce that I’m still a conscientious objector and continue to refrain from MySpace and Facebook. It probably looks funny, professing to be a Facebook Luddite in a blog. I am not a lumberjack decrying deforestation; I still do not see the need. My feelings are pretty well captured by this video http://tinyurl.com/cye3xk.
Oh, but I do Tweet.
My initial view of Twitter was about the same as MySpace, I could not see the point. Here, another video that read my mind http://tinyurl.com/atyy54. I resisted Twitter like the Obama administration resists economic viability. Sorry, wrong blog. I just didn’t see how Twitter would enhance my life or give me resources that I did not already have.
Somebody told me about Twitter. I checked it out and didn’t see what all the fuss was about. As an expert in search engine optimization and online marketing I saw an application. But since I’m not a TV host, magazine publisher, or consumer electronics maker I didn’t see the need for me. After all, I’m trying to be a blogger. Why do I want to be a “micro-blogger?” I already have unlimited text messaging on my cell phone. Why did I need text messages from strangers neatly organized into a web browser?
But then I blipped.
I was turned on to Blip.fm and it resonated with me immediately. I love music. I listen to music all day. My iPod is truly the soundtrack of my life. When I found Blip.fm, after sacrificing a workday to the Blip gods, I was hooked. I search for the most esoteric music from my youth and impress my new web friends with my varied taste and vast musical knowledge.
Quick shout-out to my Blip peeps, what’s shakin’ @RadioFreeIllinois @photogurrl and @vaniakg? Nice Tina Turner selection @ImAnElectricDuck. I’m digging the new profile pic @LexiePixie.
But Blip.fm kept pulling me back to Twitter. Damn it man, don’t they know that I’m not one to fall for such obvious ploys? I did not get it, what is the magic dust, the transcendental connection?
Hey @organicgirl, a Marty Robbins track? Are you feeling a bit down today girl?
But then came the Eureka moment. My blips could automatically be posted to my tweets, whatever those are. So if I was feeling like telling the world that I was in a Johnny Cash kind of mood I could Blip it and tweet it at the same time. So I gave in and opened up a new world.
I set up a few tweets to follow that immediately came to mind. Wired magazine just tweeted that RFID in Helmets Could Help Find Overheating Football Players in Real-Time http://tinyurl.com/daabfn. Hmm, that is some valuable information that might just come in handy for a little conversational fodder with my drinking buddies. All week Palm has been teasing me with tweets about the Palm Pre, their latest phone. Of course they have not given me any valuable information like the date it will be available. But apparently it was a hit on Jimmy Fallon. Hey Palm, I’ll write a review if you send me a Pre. It’s a great deal; I have like three or four readers so you get exposure and I get to play with the phone you have been dangling in my face since the Consumer Electronics Show.
Twitter is not all wine and roses because there are a few obvious flaws. For example, I am now being followed by @ImGoingToEatYourSpleen. I am quite sure that Mr. or Ms. Spleen is quite a lovely person but the name suggests a little unresolved anger that I just don’t have the time for right now. Perhaps you have been shut out from your job at Stanford Financial and just need a good meal. But you’re looking in the wrong place because my ex wife has already called dibs on my spleen. Oh wait, if Ms. Spleen actually is my ex wife, tweet me. I’ll have my spleen available to be picked up at your attorney’s office.
But seriously, web gizmos can be vulnerable to attack. If a company or organization uses a web tool it does not control for official communication with customers, such an attack can cause great damage. For example, In January an 18 year old hacker admitted that he was able to take control of any Twitter account through brute-force hacking the password. This is not so surprising because whenever you combine personal information and passwords some 18 year old hacker is going to take a shot. The implications can be fairly dramatic considering that one of the accounts he penetrated belongs to President Obama.
Twitter took the necessary steps to prevent this sort of hack but there are other issues that remain. It seems that anyone can set up an account on Twitter and pose as whoever they like. The comedic possibilities are endless but so are the risks. On Twitter there is an account @berniemadoff. A quick scan of the posts suggests that this is not really maintained by Bernie or his lawyers.
“Whats with this prick in india stealing my ponzi/fraud thunder at Satyam. Actually we own that stock. Hope Cox at the SEC sold it for me.”
“Been too busy hiding money and jewels to tweet. sorry all. Hope you were with me on that $bac short from December 14th. Abby the lez wasnt”
Interesting Bernie, you have a right to be pissed. But sadly, I do not think this is really you. Although he has a number of followers, this “Bernie” appears to only be following one person…@HenryPaulson. Based on this tweet from January 23rd, I dont think this is owned by the real former Treasury Secretary either.
“BACK IN PRIVATE LIFE! SINGING ‘AT LAST’ & SLOW DANCING WITH MY CAT. I’M RICH IN SO MANY WAYS.”
But the tweet from January 16th is my favorite.
“CAPTAIN SULLENBERGER YOU CAN HAVE MY JOB. PLEA$E LAND THI$ PLANE!”
But I do see the value of Twitter now. The commercial implications are really interesting. In my work I am focused on methods to better connect customers and marketers. The ability to share ideas, connect thoughts and knowledge-workers are amazing. I can remember a time when people said they would never use their credit card to buy something online. Everything has flaws when they are new. If they are online it sometimes takes an 18 year old smartass to bring them out and get them fixed.
So I will continue tweeting and finding useful applications for Twitter. But as far as Facebook and MySpace are concerned I will continue to do my “poking” in much more intimate settings.
Is Blogging Like a Time Tapeworm
Okay, so I am really trying to be dilligent about this whole blogging thing. I figured I should since I have so many pithy, insightful and downright hilarious things to say. Afterall, it would make the world a better place. It is the least I can do.
I can remember when I was a kid and I thought it would be the coolest thing if I called the DJ at the radio station and made a request. Whoa, he might even say my name on the air or if I was really lucky put me on live.
If you are over let’s say about 35 and can actually remember listening to the radio as your source of music you might know what I’m talking about. So, you try to call and of course the number is busy because there are one thousand other 11 year olds trying to call at the same time. Or maybe it is busy because the DJ has the line tied up because he is calling in a request himself to the DJ at the station he likes. But you are 11 and you are dying to use up a few precious seconds of your 15 minutes of fame and you keep calling. Eventually the phone might ring. The anticipation mounts and then the magic moment “Yeah hello, Rock 103.”
You had the perfect song picked out. The one song that captured both your gererations mood and your own pre-pubescent angst. The one song that everyone else would hear and think “what a cool kid, awesome song.” But as soon as the DJ picks up you immediately are transformed into a lobotomized moron. You can’t think about anything, let alone that one life-transforming song. The only music you can think about is some over-commercialized, one hit wonder piece of total suck. I guess today an equivalent opportunity wasting choice would be anything by Miley Cyrus. But, then again no one listens to the radio anymore unless there is a tornado or perhaps if they left their iPod at home.
So, what does all of this have to do with blogging? I think I still have something important to add to the free marketplace of ideas. But why is it that when I actually sit down to write it is like the DJ just picked up the phone?
I was just talking to a good friend (longer story for another time) and was asked about this blog that I said I started. I realized that I had been derelict in my duty to the global consciousness and had not been blogging. I should be ashamed! I sat down to write and…nothing, brain wave flat-line. This bit of pablum is the result.
So, here is another entry. Everyone can feel better now. The cool thing is you dont even have to call the radio station anymore. Now you can just send text messages that the DJ can ignore.
Video Killed the Radio Star
Where's the music
I am old enough to remember the launch of MTV. It was August first, 1981. Okay, to there I go dating myself again.
Quick trivia question (a real Trivial Pursuit question), what was the first video on MTV? It was Video Killed the Radio Star by The Buggles.
When it first launched it was the coolest thing. It was the white noise as the background for every adolescent activity while awake. In the days long before iPods it was the soundtrack of our lives. Oh MTV, look at what has happened to you.
When did you forget about the “M” of MTV. It started innocently enough, maybe with Bevis and Butthead. B&B were cool and edgy so we really didn’t mind. We really didn’t mind The Real World because we could identify. How else could Puck have ever become a pop icon and relevant?
We envied the VJs and though they had the coolest job. How awesome would it have been to be Kennedy, Adam Curry or even Kurt Loder?
When I was in college they launched Remote Control, MTVs first game show. Every time I watched it I could not help but think “I could totally dominate on that show.” Ken Ober hosted and we got our first national taste of Colin Quinn. No, Ken did not sink into obscurity, he produces New Adventures of Old Christine for CBS. But the cast member we remembered most were the hostesses, especially Marisol and Kari Wuhrer…grr.
But sometime after that the wheels came off. For far too long it has been about reality, sort of, and not music. It must have been profitable otherwise they would not have done it for so long. But now it seems that the worm has turned.
It seems that the reality genre has a shelf life. It was not good enough to fill the programming day with reality show pablum but they started to repeat episodes and it has hurt the ratings…gee.MTV ratings down
I’m not a TV programming whiz by any means but I have a crazy idea, making music television about music.
Life’s Unnecessary Traffic Lights
I am a conscientious driver. I follow the traffic laws, pay attention to the speed limit and signal before a lane change. I know that my actions can impact the safety of those around me.
To me, this is in many ways a metaphor about life. Go along to get along, treat people the way you want to be treated, don’t pee in the punchbowl, follow the rules and nobody gets hurt…no blood, no foul. But life is not filled with people that are just like you. There is always some jackass that cuts you off or tailgates you close enough to steal your wallet. No matter how you try there is always someone that is on a different plan.
I’m on the way to La Guardia Airport from upstate New York trying to make a mid morning flight. I was stopped at this light waiting for it to change. Then I noticed something funny. There was no intersection, no cross street. In fact, there were about 3oo yards of guard rails on both sides of this very straight road.
This is one of those crossroads one often faces. Continue to follow the rules or run this meaningless traffic light. What would you have done? What do you think I did?
